Camera as sketchbook

And knowing myself differently

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This letter is a part of side-b, a more intimate expression, and reflection of both my life and my creative practice. I write these essays about once a month and share photos, books, and playlists.

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hike along the Delaware shore

I’ve noticed more and more that I am attracted to uncertain processes. It’s a strange feeling. Because I used to know myself differently.

I can distinguish key moments during my undergraduate studies in which I relied on the security in knowing—the sureness that comes when I remain rigid. I can even look back and feel the restricted sensation. Like I was holding onto something but I can’t quite conjure the words to describe what that something was. I was unwilling to break the rules my mind convinced me were real inside my creative practice.

At that time, I practiced collage and drawing. My work was exact. It was measured. And calculated. In a lot of ways, this played into the themes that went on to be relevant in my creative practice. I immersed myself in understanding human-built landscapes. I obsessed over architecture, natural landscapes, and the liminal space that exists between the two.

It felt like I thrived here. In the rigidity and tightness. I thought I liked it even. And proceeded to hold onto that knowing for another seven years.

Fast forward to 2022. M gifted me a film camera after having wanted one for some time. Something in life at some point in time reminded me how in high school I used to be completely in love with taking pictures and learning to develop them in the darkroom. Each lesson in my elective encouraged the exploration of different film subjects. I got to be a portrait photographer, a street photographer, a landscape photographer, and a set photographer. I learned camera settings and darkroom etiquette.

When I mentioned that I wanted a film camera, I gave M little direction, telling him to reach out to one of my best friends. She’d know what to recommend. Together, they chose a Canon AE-1 program. It was the same one my grandpa had, which no longer works. I was excited to connect with a favorite pastime. To do something different in my life. And then my camera just sat there.