I found two words typed on my phone

and other inventories

Dear reader,

This week, I wrote an inventory of running thoughts. Here is where they led me:

I.

I’ve almost hit one year of writing bi-weekly essays. A practice that graduated from a 4-year monthly cadence. That’s 26 essays averaging 500-1000 words each. Almost ~20,000 words typed in often short in-between moments and mostly on my phone. And this doesn’t count the extra writing I do: morning pages, blog writing, additional essays, and other projects.

II.

Last year, I was incredibly anxious about doing my taxes. I always am. And have struggled to be any good at keeping records. I had a few months of backlog to document and felt the pressure of what seemed like a long list of tasks adding up in my head. Hours of focused time I’d rather spend elsewhere. My therapist's support told me how much humans can actually accomplish in 15 minutes. And how sometimes sitting down to do the task takes less time than worrying about the task. I suppose my writing practice is proving that. I’ve written nearly an entire book in one year with stolen time. 10-15 minutes a day has a lot to show for.

III.

I found two words written and saved on my phone this week. I was gathering thoughts, ideas, and research for this letter (in that stolen time) and stumbled upon them. I’ve thought about them for a few weeks now. Trying to find the correlation between the two—understand why I’m obsessed with them and had felt them worthy of being transposed from the thought world into the real world.

IV.

The other day I was showering and suddenly their worth occurred to me. It was an answer I wrote down the moment I stepped out of the shower. Wrapped in a towel engulfed in steam. Typing ever quickly. Swiping the letters. Hoping to not miss a single thread of words that jumbled in my head. They are present for a reason, and possibly more related than I think.

V.

I wrote to you last month about a body of work that has me so engulfed I’m not sure if I’m truly thinking about much else. Or, I’m trying to find it in everything else. I first started noticing it when I moved to my home. I live in the woods, and across the street from a pasture. I started taking an inventory of my view each morning while letting Forest out. The weather patterns. And the ephemera caught in between. The colors. The light. The way so much was held between here and there. How some days it looks like I could reach out and grab it. And other days it had disappeared altogether.

VI.

I started a new project that I haven’t told anyone about. It’s not because I am nervous, scared, or embarrassed but because I am still finding myself in it. Still making sense of what this project means to me, and how I might be able to describe it. After taking a short break, I returned the project earlier this week, and in skimming through it, I saw it staring back at me. The same word I wrote down on my phone next to the other one. It was just there. White text on a black screen. I read it. Then read it again. It’s been with me for longer than I realized.

VII.

I went back to that scrawling answer I feverishly typed on my phone, steam filling my chest. Two words that continuously collide in every waking moment. Like cousins. They are more closely related than I ever really knew.

VIII.

Atmospheres and ghosts.

IV.

Atmospheres represent space—a depth that I cannot always see. Dust, smoke, and sea salt—tiny particles, known as aerosols, carried by wind, deeply intrigued by their qualities. And I’m chasing myself. In the dark corners of my memories coming face to face with the ghostly young version of myself. Trying to see how the pieces fit together. Deconstructing and reconstructing. Again and again. Until my identity is found. In the dust, smoke, and particles.

Talk soon xx 

Lauren

P.S. Two weeks ago, I announced a new mentorship offering, Artist Study—a month-to-month mentorship for creatives. If you are feeling lost, stuck, confused, overwhelmed, or are working toward a new value, a new project, or a new body of work, I made this for you. Learn more and book a spot here →

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- Currently reading: The House in the Cerulean Sea by T.J. Kline

- Currently watching: True Detective: Night Country

- Currently learning: Ta-Nehisi Coates Speaks Out Against Israel’s “Segregationist Apartheid Regime”

- Currently loving myself this season: Inspired by this post

Listen to: the latest Viewfinder episode

If we haven’t had the pleasure of meeting—I’m Lauren Sauder, an artist, writer, and mentor. If you enjoyed this post, here are a few ways you can connect with me:

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