Dear reader,
I have on my calendar a reminder to do a self-care check-in at the end of the month. My life spirals around releasing stress since finding out I have alopecia. My days are occupied with habits that encourage grounding moments — hydrating, breathing, walking, stretching, meditating. They line up perfectly on my checklist. In my journal, I contemplate if I even know what a healthy baseline for stress is. The more diagnoses I receive, I question if I am even capable of understanding where the lines become blurred.
Building habits come at a pace much unwelcome. They require grit, determination. I have to morph into a trickster, reminding myself that what I feel afterwards is worth it. Close your eyes. Offer yourself this time. Reflecting this month, I can feel my overall mood has increased. As unmotivating as it is sometimes, all my daily checks and tallies aren’t for nothing.
I am becoming more aware of the places that are the anthesis of my quiet times. They gnaw at me constantly, begging for attention. I rarely feel good after hitting them. The pain suffocates my physical and mental clarity. It destroys my inner dialogue — a place I actually treasure and have deep reverence for. It highjacks all conversations that I want to be having with myself.
There aren’t many grey areas left in life anymore. Spectrums have become extreme ends. What excitement truly exists for the middle and in the middle? Everywhere I see these two ends pull at each other like a Chinese finger trap. The invitation no longer stops when the receiver clicks off. Nor when the email is refreshed.. again. And, the TikTok feed starts to become a boring scroll. There will always be more headlines to read. What is left of humanity as more and more things demand attention, further pulling me into a haze? I have built neural connections that expect, that fiend, for the next thing. The system is intentional. A great little distraction. The spectrum knows no end.
Rewiring my brain to find a new place on the spectrum comes as a slow burn. I am building trust and connection to the “un-sexy” things that actually make me feel sexier (literally). I can survive, perhaps even thrive in this grey area. In the evening, my body is beginning to become ready for release. There are itty bitty neural connections thirsty for a deep stretch.
I am becoming romanced by the idea of hard work and dedication living in this middle area. Neither too high or too low. I’d go as far to say, I am actually enjoying the slow burn. It’s flirty. Teasing me with a good time. A moment to feel a sigh of relief as stress, anxiety, depression, exits my body.
Last night, after a deep meditation in the near dark, I navigated to my rain playlist. With my headphones snug over my head, I began to stretch my hip flexors. I am learning to leverage my exhales to release throughout the entirety of my body. The rain continues to pitter-patter in my ears. This is being grounded. This is the middle. This is the slow burn.
Lauren
P.S. Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me with kind notes. If I have not responded to you, please know I am slowly working through them all xx
P.P.S. This year, I have decided to shift my every-other-week newsletters to be more like true newsletters - a short essay, my latest video release, and curated lists of inspiration (articles, books, recommendations). I plan to still do more creative writing, like this one, and I hope they are a surprise and delight when they land in your inbox. Sending love <3
NEW VIDEO
Speaking of middle areas — My newest video shows what happens when I surrender to an idea and walk through the messy middle. The result was unexpected, and I love it so much.
If we haven’t had the pleasure of meeting—I’m Lauren Sauder, an artist, writer, and mentor. If you enjoyed this post, here are a few ways you can connect with me:
Download the Artist Mixtape—a mix of books, playlists, and residencies to provide inspiration and company in the studio.
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Get in touch with me directly—send an email to laurensauderstudio@gmail.com.
I'm sorry to hear that, Lauren! A very good friend of mine had alopecia, and I remember how stressed she was about it. Fortunately, she eventually found healing, and I hope you will, too. Please take good care of yourself.
I often feel torn between extremes, too, but I'm slowly making progress. I'm finding more balance in my life and allowing myself to rest as much as my body needs.
I really love this and loved seeing you pop into my inbox. I've also been grappling with trying to find the middle way and not always oscillate between two extremes. It's a practice, isn't it? Much love xx