This sentence reflected on me from my notebook

I want to be a better writer

flipping through my noteboook

Dear reader,

I want to be a better writer - and I wonder how I am doing that.

This sentence reflected on me from my notebook. My organic handwriting scrolled through the mechanical gridlines. The blue ink was fresh and slightly smeared. This is my version of what some might call morning pages. Except, I am breaking every rule. The practice is messy to me. A dance partner I can’t quite find a rhythm with.

I adopted this practice at the start of this year. I wanted to connect more with myself, prove that I could build a new practice, and ultimately become a better writer. Truthfully, none of those things have happened yet.

Perhaps the rules I am breaking are the secret to morning pages. I don’t write as soon as I am awake. I don’t write three pages. I don't to write freely. And I don’t write every day. And if I followed the rules perfectly, then I would be able to measure growth. Five months into this practice and I am sort of laughing at myself. I’ve sold nearly 1,000 copies of my book A Geology of Color to date and I still am unsure if I should call myself a writer.

I am stalled. I think my morning writing is an opportunity to test a new practice and see how I respond to it. Learn when something becomes a ritual. When I begin to meet the most resistance. How it informs this letter writing practice. And vice Versa. And when it just doesn’t.

Yet, I am realizing, this question came from my morning writing. A question that’s encouraged me to go a deeper. To ask myself, what am I really doing to become a better writer?

I wrote this as an area to find growth in at the start of the year because I think I’d love to pitch an editor one of the handful of book ideas I have one day - and, for that, I have to know trust I am building the structure. I wonder if I’ll ever truly feel ready. If there will be a marked moment of growth in my writing. I think I am far enough along to know the answer is probably going to be no.

I can continue to use my morning pages as a place to practice. A place to keep going deeper. And ask myself I wonder how I am doing that.

This is being in process - this is not having all the answers, but understanding what the questions are and being open enough to stay on the journey to search for them.

Talk soon,

Lauren

xx

P.S. Side-b is open—a pay-what-you-want digital and print publication and exploratory creative production! Like flipping through the pages of a magazine or leisurely perusing the Sunday newspaper, Side-b returns to the nostalgia of slowing down and being intimate with physical inspiration. This publication makes stops at writing entries, curated playlists, gathered inspiration, and project development. This is my space to celebrate process. Learn more and join here →

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• Currently reading: Think Again, Adam Grant

Listen to: the latest Viewfinder episode

If we haven’t had the pleasure of meeting—I’m Lauren Sauder, an artist, writer, and mentor. If you enjoyed this post, here are a few ways you can connect with me:

• Download the Artist Mixtape—a mix of books, playlists, and residencies to provide inspiration and company in the studio.

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• Enlist me as your mentor—if you are interested in support and guidance to grow your creative practice.

• Get in touch with me directly—send an email to laurensauderstudio@gmail.com.